Anxiety Diaries

I am in no way an expert when it come to Mental Health. I am not a doctor, I have not studied about it, but I have certainly become a lot more self aware over the past few years. I have learnt a lot about myself and those in my close friendship circles. I have been very lucky to be around people who, are supportive and understanding and to a certain degree, empathise or somewhat understand how I am feeling and have helped me discover ways for supporting my own mental health.

This is something I have been meaning to do for a while; a series of blogs that focus on my mental health, my anxiety(ies) to be exact. I have never been to the doctors about my mental health, I have never been 'diagnosed' as having anxiety and yet I am fully aware that I do. Anxiety is something I had been dealing with long before I knew there was a word for how I felt, or what was stopping me from doing certain things and feeling a particular way. There are certain topics, activities and just general life things that trigger my anxiety; all of which I will attempt to explain in this blog series.  Writing, for me, is a creative outlet, it is something that I enjoy and find cathartic. Writing certainly helps me to understand my thoughts in a much more logical and clearer way and so I thought writing about what triggers my anxiety would be beneficial for my own wellbeing as well as helping those around me to understand what I am feeling.

Anxiety is triggered in different people by different things and I am sure I will no doubt cover a number of these, but the content and the experiences in these blog posts is mine and mine alone. It will not reflect the exact journey or life of everyone that has anxiety and my own experiences and ways of dealing with my anxiety will not work for everyone. I hope that by writing this blog series I will learn more about myself and educate others about some of the ways that anxiety can affect your day to day life.

366 days of #SoberSoph

If you personally know me then you will be fully aware that 2016 was a year of sobriety for me. After the realisation that I was drinking too much alcohol, having sleepless nights, forgetting and regretting too many of my weekends in 2015 I vowed to stay sober for 366 days (yes, just so happens 2016 was a leap year) and I even made myself my very own 'Sober Calendar' with drunken pictures of me from over the years to remind me of, well, just how little I remembered...oh and how bad hangovers really are. I also kept a journal which I wrote entries in every day in 2016; sometimes looking back situations can seem less intense than they were or you may have forgotten about problems that occurred so I wanted to capture as much of 2016 as I could so I could truly share what it was like to be 23 in 2016 and be completely sober.

I would be lying if I said not drinking alcohol was easy, but at some points of 2016 it actually wasn't difficult at all. A lot of research has been done on creating new habits/breaking old ones and the general conclusion I made seemed to be that after 3 months, my 'new' habit should be easy and come completely naturally, which to a degree it did. I certainly got to the point where I was happy to go out to pubs, or to parties or to a nightclub, and be in a situation where usually I would have alcohol and still have a really good time just drinking water. It is kind of sad that I linked being happy with a night of celebrating or socialising to the amount of alcohol I consumed, but I see how a lot of people in my life still do that, and I do understand it even though it seems to be something that people don't really talk about.

Reflecting on a Tough Week

It has taken me some time to gather my thoughts and feelings on what has happened over the past week. This week has been emotional for so many reasons and I was never going to be able to avoid writing about how I feel because it is so important. I have been writing this blog for over 5 years now, my writing style has changed and the type of thing I choose to focus on differs but this is something that I want to remember. I want to remember how I am feeling.

One thing I didn't mention in my Nashville in June blog, was that on that trip was the announcement of the UK's European Union (EU) Referendum. It was a long night that left me tired, sad and utterly miserable at the thought of going back to a country that had changed. I, myself, had voted to remain in the EU and was horrified that so many people had voted to leave, especially as it seemed that nobody truly knew what they were voting for. The 'Brexit' or leave campaign was a very negative display of political campaigning that didn't really give too many positive reasons for voting to leave the EU. In fact most people voting to leave were either voting on the sole topic of immigration or because they didn't know what to do and so just wanted to see a change. Even seeing that the majority of people in the town that I live in, voted to remain in the EU wasn't enough for me to keep hold of any kind of faith. The media coverage of the referendum was huge, but it all felt like 'nothing'. It didn't feel like politics, it felt like a guy who was photographed with a pint in his hand (so obviously he is the every-man) sharing his radically racist agenda and convincing the masses that his opinions on immigration were forward thinking and would better people's quality of life. When in fact, almost as soon as the announcement was made that the UK had voted to leave the EU, statements were being retracted, the Prime Minister resigned (which then led to an unfair and biased in house election of a new PM) and it genuinely seemed that no one had a plan, no one had any answers on what the consequences of this result were and people were left confused and felt that Brexit was completely miss sold.

After the disgusting and quite frankly embarrassing display of UK politics this year I really didn't think it could get much worse. The media has been a gross third party in all accounts; the US election was exposed as a complete reality TV show. There certainly needed to be a change in politics, it needs to be more accessible for everyone in society, but this year has been an absolute joke. Trump was elected by a little more than a quarter of eligible voters in the US. There are several reasons why people don't vote, one being that voting day in America is always a Tuesday so the majority of people are at work or school and can't afford to take time out to queue for hours before casting their vote, there are people who don't identify with any of the parties or candidates and so decide not to vote. Lets face it, voting isn't the most accessible activity for a lot of people for different reasons. It amazes me that anyone voted for Trump though, but it seems that a lot of people were voting on the basis of two things: you either vote for something you think has been done before and didn't work or something new. (hmm sounds familiar) People are so disenchanted by politics that all people are truly voting for is change, even though Trump has  said some outlandish and offensive things, some people's world is already terrible and so promising a new world, any world that isn't the current one has seemingly won a vote.

Incredibly, over 50% of white women in the US voted for Trump. I had no idea that he had such a huge support with this demographic. With this in mind I decided to look into it and stumbled across the Women for Trump official website. It is sad that the Women for Trump site acknowledges the sexist remarks that Trump has made, but instead of that fuelling activism and campaigns against him, they instead have passed off his comments as making him 'real' for not reading off a teleprompter. 'We look at his actions, not his words' the whole tone of the site is childish with a very strong theme of 'othering', the constant use of the phrase 'they say'. It is heartbreaking to think that there are women out there that support Trump and his pro life views, that women should never have abortions in any case, that he would never put funding behind any kind of pro choice system, a system that many people who are pregnant are in need of when they cannot support a child or that it would cause them severe medical trauma. Even if you aren't strongly opinionated on abortions, just knowing how Trump treats women is an easy no vote. The grossly inappropriate comments he has made towards his own daughter, his constant objectification of women on social media, in interviews and on live tv, he has used words such as 'bimbo' and 'dog' to refer to female journalists, he has been caught groping women and yet some people still think that he supports women's rights.

Women are not the only group of people who have been subjected to Trump's gross nature: If you are a member of the LGBTQ+ community, seemingly in particular if you are trans, if you are Muslim, Mexican, Latino, Black African American, hell if you aren't white there is no doubt that Trump will have said something offensive towards you. His policies on immigration aren't just racist, they are highly dangerous and if implemented could set the US way back. It is infuriating that these communities have come out and expressed why they wouldn't feel safe with Trump as president, how it would damage their lives and even though so many people who voted for Trump are now standing by lines like 'It doesn't make me racist or homophobic' it generally just gives off the impression that, well, you don't care too much for your fellow Americans. The amount of racist attacks and hate crimes reported in the UK after the announcement of Brexit's win was astounding, it was terrifying and it is upsetting to think that more people will have to go through that in the US. (Day 1 in Trump's America)

The amount of comments I have seen from friends online lashing out and asking for people who support or voted for Trump to remove them from social media, is completely understandable. If it wasn't just that the American electoral system is a mess and that Donald Trump technically won with less votes than Hilary Clinton did, then it is that people are angry and scared...genuinely scared. I would usually jump straight in and begin to share my views but this time I stood back and just watched for a little while. It really surprised me that, out of the very few Americans I know that voted for Trump, these people were less gloating about their triumph but calling for love instead of hate. They were upset with the posts other people had made against them, didn't understand the necessity of demonstrations and people marching in support of their LGBTQ+, Muslim, ethnic minority brothers and sisters and instead posted things like 'We voted for different candidates, can't we just let the election be over and love each other?' As if politics and political opinions are completely isolated and only matter when there is an election. Your political view is incredibly important, it emanates your views of the world, it shows what and who you care about, and so of course if your view is to support someone that wants a hostile and less accepting place for people who are not the same as you then of course people aren't going to just be 'accepting' of you.

I didn't want to act like an internet troll, I wanted to find out why people voted the way they did and explain to them why I wouldn't have done the same and expose them to some of the grossly offensive things that Trump has said and done. Unfortunately I can't change everyone's opinion, but I hope that some of the things I have said did make people read a few more articles or talk to some people that have different lived experiences from their own - I am very lucky to be a cisgendered white female in today's society and if it wasn't for the incredible friends I have made in the past 6 years I am not sure what my thoughts would be. I wouldn't know about half of the issues facing LGBTQ+ and Black communities as I do today, and so to those friends who have educated me and inspired me to educate others...thank you.

Making a Change

Sometimes it is incredibly difficult to make decisions, especially when you know you are not feeling your best. When you are sad, angry, ill or any other heightened state of emotion it can be really hard to gage what the right thing to do is. The right thing to do...for who? For me? Surely I know what the best thing for me is...right?

I have had a tough week but overall the outcomes have been positive. I am happy with the decisions I have made and what is next for me in life,  but I will forever be disappointing and frustrated in my own body and how it deals with stress and anxiety. It is disheartening that it takes my body to reach a certain threshold of angst and worry before I decide that a decision needs to be made, that is just the way I have been doing it for years; I keep my problems and thoughts to myself until I am about to explode into tears or have a panic attack and then I think about writing it down, talking to someone else or just generally sorting my shit out.

Dearest Someone...

Dearest Someone,

You a my oldest friend. You are the greatest friend I have ever had and even though I am very lucky and happy with the close friends that surround me in Brighton...they aren't you. In our 15+ years of friendship you have shown me so much kindness and passion, you have supported me in every decision I have made (whether good or bad) and you always know exactly what to say. You are an incredible human...when I think of strong and powerful influences in my life you fly straight to the top.

Not living in the same town can mean that people grow apart, that relationships peter out and friendships fade...sure we don't talk to each other every day but I feel like you know me better than anyone and whenever we chat or meet up it feels like I only saw you yesterday. A lot has happened and a lot has changed over the years...love interests, houses, friends, family, work...but our connection and my trust in you as an incredible human in my life has not changed.

It pains me to think that you feel weak or silly, but I know that the battle inside my mind often reads the same way ... It sucks that sometimes we can't see the great things we have achieved in our lives or forget about all of the amazing things we have done and instead we concentrate on how painful human interaction would feel right now. I know that my words sound a lot better rehearsed, I am more together when I have control and can prepare for a situation...I suck at speaking to people face to face when I don't feel 100% and even seeing friends and family members that I love can feel like a huge burden on days when I can only be around myself.

I think I am done using the word normal...normal is only what we make it right? It is the usual state of something, the typical way in which something happens, it is the expected...well I don't have a usual state, there isn't a typical way for me to feel and I can never expect to feel a certain way before I have reached that day. We all have little routines whether we acknowledge them or not, from the the way we sleep at night, when we brush our teeth, our hobbies, our favourite food to eat when we are upset, but that doesn't determine whether we are 'normal' or not in someone else standards. Some days I will wake up and I will care too much about what other people think and expect of me and it is too exhausting so I get back into bed and other days I wake up knowing that I am being the best version of me that there is and nothing is going to stop me from being productive and having a great day.

I have no 'allotted time' for you; I loved you when we were eating pick 'n' mix and fell asleep watching Will&Grace as 12 year olds and I love you now when we meet up for Christmas dinner. I have not 'had my turn of looking after you' and I am not 'fed up' with you, you are one of the most important people in my life and I am always going to be here to support you, to listen to you, to sit next to you in silence, to cook for you, to listen when you really need to vent and to eat pick 'n' mix with you. You never bring me down, you never feel like a burden and I have never once thought you were pathetic.

I love you and you really should too.

A Million Hands: Mental Health and Wellbeing

When my mum told me that she wanted to run a session on mental health with her Explorer Unit (a group of 14 - 18 year olds) because it is coming up to exam season and she wants them all to know that it is okay to be stressed out about it, I jumped straight in to offer my services.

I have been a lot more aware of mental health, the issues it can bring and the ways in which we should look after ourselves, a lot more in the last few years. After working on projects in my last job to raise awareness of mental health and share positive ways you can look after your own mental health, I was really pleased to find out that mental health and wellbeing are also a high priority in my current role.

Self Care Sophie Style

I don't want this blog to just became a diary-esqe journal where I blab on too much about feelings so I do have some exciting posts planed for the next few months including an attempt of a recipe series *I have said it now...got to do it* But sometimes life is a poop and so for today I just wanted to throw out to the internet my top tips for Self Care.

I have been ill too much this Winter, more than I should have been and part of the reason is because I haven't looked after myself as much as I could have. All these 'shoulds' and 'coulds' have made me realise I need to tell the internet about how I look after myself (when I do it properly)

The Jar

So this is my jar (pictures above) this is by no means an original idea from my own brain, must have been something on pinterest a few years back - because this is my 3rd year of doing this. From January 1st of each year I have been putting notes in this jar of things that have happened or things people have said to me that have made me happy or proud. I then at the end of each year go through the jar and relive all those moments - sometimes when I am having a low day I like to have a sneak peek at what I have so far to cheer myself up.